Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Super Bowl/Super Munchies

Fisrt quarter line-up

Super Bowl Sunday is the day when the two best professional football teams in the country meet to lock in gridiron combat to decide who will reign as champions for a year. More important than the championship are the Super Bowl parties. There will be chips! There will be dips! There will be those little weenies in barbecue sauce! There will be nachos! There will be meatballs marinated in teriyaki sauce! There will be chorizo wrapped in puff pastry! There will be cheese on crackers! There will be chilidogs smothered in onions! There will be beer and gallons of soda flowing freely to wash it all down!

The first Sunday in February represents the final death knell for even the most serious of diet resolutions. To truly appreciate Super Bowl Sunday to its maximum, an unwritten law dictates one must eat one’s way through it. Manners be damned. Conspicuous consumption rules the day. 

“Dude! That is so awesome! What is that, like a whole can of bean dip? I have never seen anybody stuff that many corn chips in their mouth at one time! Talk about wide receivers!”

“Yo. I got skills.”

Will anybody remember who, made the longest run-back in the history of the Super Bowl? Was it even last year? How long was it? Only rabid fans are going to have that information readily at the tips of their tongues, the average Joe (or Josephine, since many women get into the Super Bowl Sunday thing) won’t remember the play. They will, however, vividly remember how Burt got so excited watching it, that he started jumping up and down and dumped a perfectly good bowl of guacamole on the floor, effectively creating a complete imbalance of corn chips to dip. A number of people were left to eat their corn chips dry. Dry for crying out loud! (Burt now watches the Super Bowl by himself, thank you very much.)  

Uh-oh! First down.

Let’s face facts: Super Bowl is to adult finger food fans what Halloween is to adolescent sugar junkies. On Super Bowl Sunday, it’s all about the food, and as with the game itself, the consumption of Super Bowl food has rules to keep the event civil. The following is a short list of the most common calls made around the snack table.

FIRST DOWN: This happens when the first gooey food item falls to the floor. It is not a penalty situation, unless your wife sees it. 

OFFSIDES: This infraction occurs when someone slides an hors d’oeuvre directly from the serving platter into their mouth. This calls for a five-chip penalty.

DELAY OF GAME: Standing in front of the snack table, blocking access by other fans, for more than a minute while trying to decide what to pile on a plate. A five pig-in-a-blanket penalty will be assessed.

UNNECESSARY ROUGHNESS: Elbowing someone out of the way to grab the last Cheese Nip will garner a penalty of a loss of two dips, and give the offended party first choice of whatever is on the snack table. 

PASS INTERFERENCE: Snagging all the goodies off the serving platter as it is being passed to someone else. This is a five dip scoop penalty. 

Caught in the act of intentional grounding!

INTENTIONAL GROUNDING: When a person drops something on the floor and then steps on it in an effort hide it from the host.

FALSE START: At any other food event, it would be called “double-dipping” from a common bowl. Two offenses of this nature result in ejection from the game. 

CLIPPING: Reaching around someone from behind in an effort to snag the last item on a platter. This offense results in loss of possession.

Example of flagrant holding.

ILLEGAL PROCEDURE: A minor infraction where the guacamole spoon is used to serve up cheese dip. Most officials simply overlook this one.

PERSONAL FOUL: Tasting something then putting it back in the serving bowl, or licking a serving spoon. Either infraction calls for immediate ejection from the game. 

HOLDING: Taking the last of a popular snack, and then not eating it, leaving it to sit on your plate in plain view. The penalty for this infraction is a loss of a trip through the food line.

Here’s to the Super Bowl! Go... uh... whoever. Pass the taquitos, please. 

DISCLAIMER: No carpets were harmed in the making of this post. (Honest Honey, I think those stains were there before. Really.)