Tuesday, January 22, 2013


The blog has a female Eastern European fan base (son's description)

If this blog had a mission statement (other than, “Where am I, and what the hell am I doing?”) it would be, “Making the world laugh, one reader at a time.” A noble, if not somewhat pretentious, sentiment. More realistically, perhaps, it would be “Making a couple of folks in the U.S., maybe Canada too, chuckle now and then.” At least that’s what I thought; readers mainly in the States, with a smattering of Canadian followers.

The possibility the blog might have a truly international audience never entered my mind. Then, purely by accident, I figured out how to check my stats. That was a shocker. As expected, the U.S. led the audience pack. But Canada was a very distant sixth place in the audience list, well behind Ukraine, Russia, Germany and even China. (Note to self: capture more Canadian readers by using “Eh?” more frequently.) 

What the ladies think they'd get
Ukraine? Russia? Obviously two unrecognized hotbeds of untapped market for American humor. It was my daughter who was savvy enough to explain the situation clearly.

“It’s your idioms, Dad.”

“Hey, young lady,” I sternly corrected, “keep a civil tongue in your head! They may be misguided because they’re reading my blog, but you certainly shouldn’t call them idiots. Do you want an international incident?” 

“No, I-D-I-O-M-S. You know, turns of phrase unique to a language. They are probably trying to learn Americanized English to be more fluent. As deflating as it may be, it’s likely your blog is nothing more than homework.”

She may very well be right, but she’s still out of the will. 

On the other hand, is it likely that your casual idiom collector writes letters? Not the kind I’ve been getting. Ukrainian and Russian women are throwing themselves at me. I’m so embarrassed! Not a week goes by without at least one desperate e-mail from an Eastern European woman professing her desire to marry me and have my children. Under my son’s advice, not to mention Mrs. Poynor’s, I have not replied to any of the entreaties.

How the ladies present themselves

I have decided enough is enough, however. I can’t stand the thought of all those broken hearts out there, yearning fruitlessly under the misapprehension they may find happiness with a rich, handsome American blogger. So here goes…

What the ladies would get

Dear Svetlana, Ania, Catarina, Katiya, Dasha, Liubchanina, Fesalonikiia and anyone else I may have inadvertently missed:

We need to clear some things up. First, there is a reason the picture of me that appears on this blog is fuzzy and very small. 

Second, I’m already happily married. Although you may have heard differently, being married to more than one woman at a time (notable exceptions being NBA players, long-distance truckers and a few North Slope workers) is not legal in the U.S. - it is considered criminal. (And on a personal level, I believe polygamy would be its own punishment, but that is neither here, nor there.)

Third, you will see this blog has no sponsors, nada, zero, zip, zilch. Nyet income. If I utter the word “rich” it is only in reference to a dessert I am eating. 

Svetlana likes the outdoors.

To sum it all up, I believe each and every one of you is a charming and delightful lady. (My son decries my belief, stating your correspondences are, no doubt, nothing more than scams perpetrated by lonely, older women hoping to latch onto a meal ticket. Forgive him, he's a cynic.)

Unfortunately, I am not available, so you will need to seek romance elsewhere. However, if you enjoy idioms, I hope you will remain loyal readers.
Sincerely yours and idiomatically,

P.S. - If you desire additional examples in idioms, please feel free to use one of my books, which can be found on Amazon by clicking here.

Liubchanina describes herself as athletic.
 PPS- I have no idea why the text size is flaking out. Can't correct it. However, "flaking out" is a pretty good idiom.


  1. "Then, purely by accident, I figured out how to check my stats." That's how I learn every thing on the internet.

    1. Ain't that the truth. There's the "Accidental Tourist," well I'm the "Accidental Internet Geek."