Sunday, October 30, 2011

Field Report: Arizona

My apologies (or, perhaps, you’re welcome) for the long stretch between posts.  I have been slow roasting in the desert of Arizona for the past week and a half, and there have been internet access issues.  There was also a real fear that dripping perspiration would short out my keyboard.

My father lives in Arizona.  He likes it.  He isn’t the only one.  A number of my friends, all of whom have not lived here, wax poetic about moving to Arizona for the heat.  As a suitable alternative I would suggest the sun.  However, I have to admit that for baby boomers grappling with getting older, a trip to Arizona is just the ticket.

Want to feel young again?  Go to Arizona and visit a Walmart.  Barring the zit-faced associate in the electronics department trying to explain how an iPad operates, a boomer is the youngest person in the store.  In fact, the entire Walmart experience in Arizona (if “experience” can be used to describe a trip to Walmart) is unique.  With no need for a toy section, there’s an expanded selection of denture creams, fiber supplements and incontinence goods.  I’m not so sure, really, if incontinence is truly an issue for folks in these parts. It could simply be a matter of confusion on the source of all the perspiration puddling on the seats of their vehicles.

Speaking of vehicles, I’ve noticed something about the license plates in this state.  The license plates in most states display a symbol representative of that state.  For example, Wyoming has a cowboy.  Arizona is different, as it has two.  The first is a saguaro cactus in silhouette, but the far more common symbol is a stick person in a wheelchair.  And of course, immediately below the symbol is the state motto:  “Glad to wait for your estate.”

Looking back on the above, I see that it reads a bit snarky.  Please forgive me.  Heat makes me a little irritable.  For the first seven days I was here, the temperatures exceeded 100 degrees every day.  Things have “cooled off” for the past few days by nearly five degrees.  As one might guess, I’m having a little trouble dealing with the temperatures. The locals don’t help matters. Every time I whimper about suffering from heat stroke, or try to claw layers of heat rash inflamed skin from my body, or throw up from being over heated, the locals are quick to remind me, “But it’s a dry heat.”  Indeed.  Not unlike that found in a commercial pizza oven. 

You’ll have to excuse me now.  I’m going to Walmart to hang around the frozen food cases.


  1. I feel for you, I really do. We're working on having some snow for you upon your arrival home.

  2. OMG Alan you are FUNNY! But I guess that's the point, isn't it? Now...try going to Ohio or Florida in the summer if you want a real wet-heat-treat!! Better yet, just come visit us in San Diego and you might just be saying, "It's not Kenai, but it is pretty darn good after all!"

  3. Arizona is a good place in January. For a couple of weeks. Every other year.

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