Thursday, December 13, 2012

The Christmas Letter

Easier to just light it up than cut it down

The annual Christmas letter is something most people tend to put off. For whatever reason, writing the Christmas letter is viewed as an onerous task. The most common complaint about writing a Christmas letter is a lack of meaningful subject matter. Everyone claims they have nothing to write about. That is patently false.

The first and foremost thing to bear in mind when working on the Christmas letter is that it is all about bragging. It is bragging on a subtle level, mind you, but it is bragging nonetheless. 

For that reason, what follows is a generic Christmas letter. Feel free to copy any, or all, of the contents, mixing and matching as needed for your own use - changing the names where appropriate, of course. This is presented in the season’s spirit of generosity to all of you dreading the Christmas letter.

Good ol' Grandpa

Dear All-
What a busy year we’ve had! The year has just flown by in a blur of activity. How to cover it all? Well, I guess I’ll just start with the oldest member of the family and work my way down the line.

Just for an idea on how fast this year has gone, it hardly seems possible that Grandpa’s probation will be up by the time you get this. Orders are coming in already in anticipation of the big day, but you can bet for sure he’ll be a little more discreet in the future about where he sets up the still. (I don’t know how many times Raynard and I told him to ask for ID before making a sale, but you know Grandpa.) 

Grandma has been busy, too. We made her part of the security dog business we started up. She and her friends at the senior’s home are making studded collars for us in their leather crafts class. Keeps them busy, and gives us a leg up on the competition, since we can offer them free with every purchase of either a pit bull or Rottweiler. It’s not entirely a selfless act on our part, we get a really warm feeling knowing we’re giving those old folks something to do.

Me and Raynard are doing just fine. We’re busier than ever with the security dog business. There’s a reason for that. Raynard came up with a real brainstorm that’s really cut back on our overhead. He bought one of those police scanners, and listens in to the police and trooper calls for moose what have been run over on the roads. To make a long story short, there’s a bunch of left over stuff people don’t want from a road killed moose. Dogs don’t mind, though. We haven’t bought a bag of feed since late February. Ain’t a good idea to stand downwind of the dogs for any length of time, however. But like I tell the customers, ‘You ain’t buyin’ a huggin’, warm fuzzy, sissy dog, you’re buyin’ security.” Between Grandma and her friends, and Raynard’s brainstorm, we think we’re on track to set a new profits record. Nothin’ says Merry Christmas like a little security, even if you do have to pick up after it. 

The kids are still our pride and joy. Little Raynard enrolled in the community college last spring. Since he was taking metal shop, we didn’t think much about all the car parts he was stacking up in the garage, we just thought it was homework. The police stopped by the other day, however, and talked to him for quite some time. We don’t know the whole story, but according to Little Raynard, some of his friends are in some sort of Junior Achievement program dealing with used car parts. I guess it’s sponsored by the Troopers because they have been stopping by frequently. We’re so proud that he’s taken to schooling finally, and gotten involved in the community in such a positive way.

One that don't need guttin'

Joline is doing real good in her new career. She graduated number one in her class at the Hooter’s University, and expects to make good money in tips, and whatnot. I’m not real sure exactly what “whatnot” means, and didn’t ask for any details. (Frankly, we’re just glad to have her out of the house. Now, we won’t have to worry about putting up with that boyfriend of hers anymore, which is good, because we hear he’ll be released from the half-way house program in another month, or two.)

Well, that’s it for this year’s letter, our best to one and all... 

So you see, there's not much to the Christmas letter at all. Get after it!

1 comment:

  1. OMG...Priceless!!! And my dad's mom had a lot of that "Whatnot!"