RETCH on Mother's Day

If the advertisements are to be believed, every Mother’s Day will begin with an elegant breakfast at a swank restaurant. While there, mothers throughout the land will learn their children raided a piggy bank to provide for the feast, thereby shaming Dad into buying a huge solitaire diamond- or even a cluster of large diamonds. The average mom- according to advertisers- will experience long, meaningful, romantic glances between she and her spouse over the perfect card professing admiration and love. Then, throughout the day, she will be waited upon hand and foot by her adoring family.


Reality rears its ugly head when Mom wakes up to a R.E.T.C.H. breakfast and a kitchen laid waste in the effort. 

Of all the possible personalized kiddie gifts, the RETCH (Runny Egg, Toast Charred to Hell) breakfast is undoubtedly the most common. This annual culinary debacle is a group effort involving the kids, Dad, and the dog.


The kids are responsible for producing the eggs and toast. The endeavor begins long before the honoree wakes up. It’s important to get the jump on Mom by preparing the R.E.T.C.H. breakfast while she’s still in bed, before she can make good her escape. 

Dad's primary responsibility is to serve as the safety supervisor. His duties are making sure the fire extinguisher is nearby during the breakfast's preparation, and hustling the kids out of the bedroom immediately after the R.E.T.C.H. is served.


"C'mon kids, let's give Mom a little quiet time so she can enjoy her breakfast. Ol' Butcher will stay here and keep her company." 

As usual, the dog’s job is to protect its mistress. Mom usually let's Dad know the dog has done its job with, "The dog needs to go outside... NOW."


Keeping the dog outside after Mom has finished breakfast not only protects the carpet, but also prevents potentially embarrassing questions like, "Mommy, why does Ol' Butcher's breath smell like when we burn the trash?" 

Undoubtedly, the most cherished Mother's Day gift from children is the handmade card. Little people take the card making task very seriously, and Moms know best how to appreciate them, even if they don't understand them.


"Mom, I made a card for you." 

"Oh thank you Buford, that's beautiful. That must be..."


"Yeah, you." 

"I see... and that must be..."


"Me an' Delbert an' Dad an' Ol' Butcher bringing you breakfast in bed." 

"And on the inside we have... looks like..."


"Yeah, Ol' Butcher helping you eat breakfast." 

Don't ever think kids aren't smart.