10 Man Rules for Happy Marriage

The days of wine and ignorance.

As of July 6th, my wife and I have been married for forty years. Those years represent the longest educational experience of my life. Marriage is just like a test, only it’s one in which nobody offers a glimpse, or even a hint, into what might be expected on it.


My lack of marital preparation I lay squarely at my father’s feet. Mom and Dad had been married over twenty-six years when I got married. Dad could have at least given me some warning about how to avoid some of the potential pitfalls. With that in mind, I am offering the benefit of my experience to younger men. While perhaps not sage, this advice consists of things that would have proven handy to know. 

1) It is critical to pace yourself when giving gifts. Start small and work your way up. “Go big, or go home,” doesn’t apply in marriage. If you start off big the saying morphs to, “Go bigger, or call the doghouse home.”


2) While we’re on gifts, never give your wife a surprise gift that will pee and poop on the floor. That is called having babies. 

3) Logic is absolutely not a substitute for sympathy. “Just stare at the horizon. That helps the seasickness,” cuts no mustard. Try, “That must be miserable. I’ll make the captain turn the boat around immediately. I’m sure all the other passengers will understand.”


4) It is not necessary to bring up previous girlfriends in casual conversation. Your wife will bring them up for you. 

5) Start every day with a heart-felt apology. This is sound practice any time, but critical for survival when your wife is pregnant and throughout the menopausal years.


6) The best way to find out if your wife has a divorce lawyer on speed-dial is to call her “Blimpo” when she is eight months pregnant. 

7) No clothing ever sold made a woman’s butt look fat. End of subject. (Except to mention honesty is not always the best policy.)

"No, no it's delicious. Love the presentation."

8) Even if your mother was an executive chef for a 5-star restaurant, her best culinary efforts tasted like burned oatmeal compared to the tuna fish sandwich your wife set before you.


9) Never mention your wife has gained weight until you’ve stood naked in front of a mirror… and imagined how you’d look with your eyes clawed out. (If this does not squelch the urge completely, find a large hornet’s nest and give it a hearty bitch-slap.)  


10) Always do the weekly grocery shopping with your wife. (This is essential to avoid the consumption of inferior beer.)